u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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