Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
