My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
