what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
