You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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