I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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