Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
