Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
