The maid of honor just puked.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
