She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
