why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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