I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There r osticjed everywhere
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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