How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
