To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
