oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
