I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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