Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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