I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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