i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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