i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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