Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
