THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
