I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
