Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
i now understand why vodka
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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