Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
