smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize