The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize