I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize