we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
