i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
