apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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