The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
