I can text with my tongue
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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