So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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