you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
