So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
