corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
