I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
