i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize