Sorry, I don't speak sober.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
