mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
