I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
