I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
