i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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