So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
