So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
