I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
