Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
