No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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