i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
that's an acceptable place to lick
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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