I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
40s are totally the cure
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
