I can text with my tongue
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
