his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
