the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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