I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
