shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
