the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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