got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize