i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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