guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
you guys were way drunker than both of me
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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